April 19
From: Larry C.
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs......phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it ?

February 17
From: Jim B.
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" 
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. 
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Nov. 19
From Larry C.
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. 
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. 
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." 
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" 
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." 
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. 
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. 
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. 
Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." 
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. 
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. 
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" 

Oct. 17
From: Larry C.

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process\ all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God, 

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.  Yesterday someone stole my purse. 
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. 
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.  I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me? 

Sincerely, 

Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read,

"Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.

Sep. 21
From: Larry C.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!  Now let's try it again.
Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Sept. 20
From: Larry C.
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. 
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message." In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Sept. 2
From: Larry C.
A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this.
The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure. 
This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her."
So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting.
The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket."
 Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home.
"You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"
"I don't know why YOU do it," says the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!"

August 26
From Larry C:
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant. 

August 11
From: Larry C.
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and said, "What?"

July 21
From: Larry C.
Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars..."she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.  So they hide in the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . . it's a police  officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the  officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face".

July 20
From: Larry C.

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.
He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God...."
"Mr. President," says Dick Cheney, standing nearby, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and asks, "how many is a brazillion?"

July 13
From: Larry C.
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. 
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." 
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

July 2
From: Larry C.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" 
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" 
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble." 
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. 
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to 
the amusement of a big crowd. 
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." 
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World. 

July 1
From: Larry C.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake, while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."

June 28
From: Larry C.
Quiz.......

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is
a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same
speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your
car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at
ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




Answer: Below
*
*
*
*
*

Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much!

June 23
From: Larry C.
Lawyers should never ask a southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.  He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.  One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a  very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

June 4
From: Larry C.
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her: "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

May 4
From: Tim C.
Mike and his wife walked into a dentist's office. Mike said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and 
just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
Mike turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

May 1
From Larry C.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" 
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that @#$ cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

April 18
From Larry C.
A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an
exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."    "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic
wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.    Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this
will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."    The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...    So the fairy waved her magic wand
and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.    The moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

March 8
From Karen P.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
 He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" 
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" 
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." 
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. 
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." 
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

March 7
From Jerry P.
Alice was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband Bob and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the tri c! k and bring her out of the coma."
Bob was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. Bob finally agreed and
went into Alice's room.
After a few minutes Alice's monitor "flat lined"-- no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room.
Bob was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

March 3
From Larry C.
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 
 "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my Bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back Straight away". 
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog
or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Dave 
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed"

March 1
From Larry C.
A magician worked on a cruise ship.  The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.  One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:  "Look, it's not the same hat!"  "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."  "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.  It was, after all, the captain's parrot. 
Then the ship sank.  The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.  They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.  This went on for a day and then another and then another.  Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:  "OK, I give up.  Where's the f*ck*ng ship?"

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